Into the Wild

While on a hiking trip in Nebraska, my jeep broke down in the middle of nowhere. I was stranded with nothing but trees and a road that was hundreds of miles from civilization with no phone service. I reached for my emergency survival kit and found some flint to start a fire and a flare gun with only one flare left. God damn it, I've only got one shot to get someone's attention. I had a canteen of water, a box of crackers, and three cans of sardines. I started looking for a spot to set up a campsite. I came across an area with two trees close enough to each other for my hammock.

A few days passed and I ran out of food and water. The heat was becoming unbearable. I had to make a drastic change. So, I decided to go shirtless and cut my pants at the top of my thighs. With my long man bun and now shaggy beard, I was starting to feel like Tarzan. I grunted. I snarled. And even beat my chest in the name of survival. These woods would not take my life and if I was to get out of this place, I would have to rely on my animal instincts. I found a long, straight branch to carve a spear with my pocketknife. I was ready.

I roamed through the forest keeping a keen eye on potential prey. Sometimes, leaping off rocks and grooving between the trees, becoming stealth-like. I was in the zone. Night had fallen and I was still on the hunt. Just then, I heard the leaves rustling in the distance. I quickly moved into position behind a bush. I could see the silhouette of what looked to be a small dear. I jumped out of the bush and pierced my prey. It let out a yelp! I looked closer, trying to refocus my eyes to the dark. But before I could get a closer look, I heard, "Hey! That's my dog you son of a bitch! You just impaled my dog!" I looked to the dog to help but she became enraged and started running towards me. "I know karate!," she screamed. I didn't want to stick around and find out what she could do to me so I started running. As I ran, all I could hear was her yelling, "I studied taekwondo and Brazilian jujitsu!" She just kept screaming out her martial arts resume. Slowly, her voice started to fade until I coudn't hear anything at all. In an instant, I noticed I was approaching a thick patch of trees and bushes. I was so high from the adrenaline. I ran right through it. With my skin cut and bruised and leaves in my hair, I found myself in new territory. "McDonald's?" I was in a McDonald's parking lot. The young man working the drive-thru window just stared at me with a strange amount of acceptance. I stood there looking back at him with excitement and a newfound confidence in my survivalist identity. I had forgotten all about her dog.